


Cigarettes, Snow and Laughter

by raelee514



Category: Downton Abbey
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-15
Updated: 2017-01-16
Packaged: 2018-09-17 15:10:32
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 9,203
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9330875
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/raelee514/pseuds/raelee514
Summary: It was Christmas. There was snow.  Laughter.  People interrupting.  Confusion and angst.





	1. Part One

They couldn’t stop laughing. Thomas felt like it was humming in his veins. Everything the two of them said just managed to make the other start laughing again and again. He was sure they were talking about nothing when it came down to it. 

Hours ago it had been Christmas and now it was the next day but the night was still dark. Dark and snowing. But Thomas wasn’t cold despite being outside, standing under falling swirling snow, it was dampening his hair and he clothes. Jimmy’s as well. 

Jimmy put a cigarette in his mouth, he smoked in a way Thomas found too provocative. It made a spike of warmth settle through him in all the wrong ways. It cleared away the mystery of why he wasn’t all that cold despite weather.

“You need to get laid,” Jimmy said, suddenly.

Thomas looked up from Jimmy’s mouth to his eyes alarmed. “I…” he stammered because he was caught.

“What? No, that that?” Jimmy laughed again. “Seriously, do you know how often I catch you looking at my mouth?” He tipped his head back and continued to laugh. 

“That obvious am I?” Thomas asked but he felt no offense, relief was flooding through him. 

Jimmy gave him a look that told him all he needed to know. He was too obvious. He always has been, Thomas thought. Everyone always knows without him saying a word. 

“No, I’m saying you need to get laid because you were staring at the Earl of Miffentuff all through the dinner like you wished he was yours.”

Thomas laughed. It was further proof of his obviousness. He knew he was staring at the young Earl, but he hadn’t been able to bring himself to care. The man was beautiful, quite simply put, dark hair and dark eyes. Thomas wanted to mess up his hair. He wasn’t sorry for it. It wasn’t often beautiful men appeared before him, and when they did, he would enjoy the sight. 

“What were you thinking?” Jimmy asked with a wink. “Huh? What was it you wanted to do to him?”

Thomas shook his head. “Now you don’t want to hear that?”

“Why not? I tell you everything about my conquests.”

“Conquests?” They locked gazes and burst out into renewed peels laughter. 

Thomas moved to lean against the wall. Jimmy nudged into him with his shoulder and soon they both were leaning, shoulders and arms touching. Laughter still bubbling between them. Jimmy leaned heavier against him. “Come on, Thomas?”

“Kiss him.”

“Well, obviously,” Jimmy huffed. 

Thomas shook his head. “Not really,” he shook his head. “Kissing is important to judge if he’s interested.” 

“Kissing back tells that story, yeah…” 

“More… a man may kiss back but not be up for more. It’s an ice breaker. Have to be cautious.”

Jimmy leaned on him again and gave him a look.

Thomas looked away but they both started to laugh again. “I do take risks that many wouldn’t… the kiss is a barometer.”

“Complicated. Don’t think I’d have the patience for it.”

“You don’t have the patience for women either,” Thomas nudged him back and they laughed. Thomas’s face was starting to hurt from all the smiling. 

“It’s so much work… they don’t want just have fun. I like fun. Sex is fun, it’s really truly fun.”

Thomas laughed and tried to conjure up the last time he had that sort of fun. 

“You agree, don’t you… your lot must like it.”

“Oh, we like it, Jimmy.”

“Right, right….” He chuckled lowly. “Sex is fun.”

“You have a one track mind, Jimmy Kent.”

“You, Mr. Barrow… I think you need to get laid.” Jimmy pressed his shoulder into his, grinning up at him. 

“As you keep saying. You offering?” It was a jest. The both of them fell into giggles. Jimmy even ducked his head down onto Thomas’ shoulder for a beat before back up at him laughing fully. Then they were staring at each other and the laughter softened. Thomas stopped because he was holding his breath. He waited for Jimmy to shake his head. Just a simple back and forth, nothing rude or upsetting. Just a small no. The no that needed to be said. 

But he didn’t.

It become silent. The snow fell around them. It was whirling about now and thicker, starting to fall at a heavier clip. And it made everything eery. 

Thomas felt words in his throat but he didn’t know what they were. Should he say he was just joking? No, Jimmy laughed, he knew Thomas was pulling his leg. But why wasn’t he shaking his head?

“There you two are!” Mrs. Hughes voice cut through the air and made them jump away from each other. They were standing too close, Thomas realized. 

“Get in the house now, it’s freezing out and it’s late. Time for bed.” Mrs. Hughes continued to yell at them. They nodded at her and hurried inside. They walked up the stairs in silence but it wasn’t awkward, not really. Not at all. Thomas found himself grinning again, thinking about all the laughter and easy conversation of the night. 

They both stopped at Jimmy’s door. 

“Happy Christmas,” he said, meeting Thomas eyes and chuckling. “Best one I’ve had in awhile.”

“Me too, Jimmy. Happy Christmas.” His own laughter in the words. He watched Jimmy walk into his room and shut the door. Then he walked into his own room and closed the door. He leaned against it and told himself he imagined that long beat of silence. He was seeing things that weren’t truly there. 

It wouldn’t be the first time. 

~~~

_What was that?_

Jimmy sat down at his bed and stared ahead of him. Though he didn’t really see his room at all. He was back downstairs in the snowstorm. Laughing with Thomas, talking about sex, men and women. 

He chuckled a bit remembering, a year ago if someone had told him he would be talking about men and sex he would have punched them in the face. He was questioning everything he ever been told about men like Thomas. More and more everyday. 

_“You offering?”_

Jimmy swallowed over a lump in his throat. He wasn’t questioning it to that point was he? He ran his hands through his hair and stood up. He started to take off the suit he’d worn for Christmas Night. He remembered dinner service hours earlier, where he had caught Thomas nearly leering at the Earl of Miffentuff. Jimmy had studied the young Earl, trying to figure out what Thomas saw in him. He looked nothing like Jimmy, at all, though Jimmy supposed he was somewhat attractive. 

Thomas thought so anyway. 

He kept watching Thomas, watch him and started to wonder when the last time it was his friend had been touched. Or done any touching. Jimmy felt crazed for days after at times. How long had Thomas been lacking the fun and pleasure of sex? 

Jimmy shook his head and laughed. He cared about this? He realized he really did, it was an odd thought — but mostly because it didn’t feel odd in the least. Of course Thomas craved intimacy and it was difficult for him to have it — dangerous, illegal. Jimmy frowned, never had he thought a law could be unjust until Thomas. Before looking at his best mate and seeing someone real and proud. Someone who deserved to be wanted. 

_“You offering?”_

A tease, a joke. Thomas pointing out that he kept repeating that Thomas needed to get laid. It meant nothing, nothing at all… Hadn’t it? He’d laughed, they laughed, he put his head on Thomas’s shoulder without thinking about it until he realized his forehead was pressing against snow-damp cloth. He looked up then, planning to shake his head — just a small gesture to remind Thomas.

_“I can never give you what you want.”_

But stood still, he stared right at Thomas and their laughter faded and silence descending and he kept telling himself to say it. Say no, softly, nicely but say no — because they had a pact, they had an understanding. They didn’t discuss it but they knew Thomas would have to settle for Jimmy’s friendship.

“That’s uncomfortable…” Jimmy felt weird suddenly. Thomas shouldn’t have to settle. He deserves more than that, he deserves what he wants. He deserves what everyone else can have. Love and sex with someone they care about without the worry of jail.

“But…” Jimmy started folding his discarded clothes. “But not you… right?”

He shook his head. Like he should have before. Why hadn’t he made it clear. He would’ve wouldn’t he, if Mrs. Hughes hadn’t appeared out of nowhere, crashing reality in on top of them. They’d been standing so close, Jimmy been in Thomas’ space, their bodies touching and it hadn’t felt wrong or weird. 

No body space. How often did they do that while they smoked and talked together? Laughed. They’d laughed for hours, Jimmy still had a bit of a stitch in his side from all of it. Bone deep laughter that moved your whole body. It’d been fun, truly truly fun. It was the best Christmas since his parents’ death. The best night Jimmy experienced in a long time. It was all because of Thomas. All of it. 

“It doesn’t matter… it was a moment. That’s all…. it weren’t awkward afterwards. We laughed our good night.” Jimmy smiled. His unspoken no was nothing but a small beat of time, and nothing to read into, nothing at all. 

~~~

Cigarette breaks were becoming the highlights of Jimmy’s days. He pushed through the backdoor, pulling out a cigarette he’d nicked from Thomas. He started nicking them, three or four at time. Thomas let him do it without a word. Jimmy lit a match and lit the cigarette. He walked out a bit, his feet crunching on snow, his eyes darting around the area. He frowned. Thomas was absent. He always was out there first, already smoking his second or maybe his third cigarette. Jimmy frowned, he’d expected to see him, his dark hair contrasting with the snow, smoke clouded around him, his eyes sharp and mouth sneering. 

Jimmy inhaled smoke and decided to lean against the wall. As his back hit it last night came back to him. The snow, the laughter, the press of Thomas’ against him. They’d been side by side, pushed together to share the same piece of wall. Curving toward each other, Jimmy thought. Laughter, smiles and smoke. He watched smoke met the air in front of his face, watched how it curled and clouded. It seemed unimpressive compared to the clouds that curled around Thomas. Jimmy was certain he did it on purpose, creating an effect, wrapping around him. Another way for him to protect himself from everything surrounding him.

He furrowed his brow at the thought. He knew it was true, Thomas had a wall but the problem was it had a window. Or at least Jimmy saw one and it showed a vulnerable, sad, and lonely man. One who hated hiding but had to hide. One who hated people but yearned for them anyway. It made Jimmy angry. Thomas thought he wasn’t allowed and the world agreed. 

“Sod that,” Jimmy thought. 

“Sod what?” 

Jimmy jumped at Thomas’s voice. 

Thomas cackled and Jimmy glared at him and watched him light a cigarette. 

“Where did you come from?”

Thomas shook his head.

“Was in me head.”

“Apparently.” Thomas exhaled and Jimmy watched smoky clouds nearly obscure him from sight. It irritated him so he stepped closer to Thomas in order to see through the smoke. 

“You’re late.”

“Mr. Carson wanted a chat.”

“What he complaining about now?”

“He has an errand to run and I need to do the wine for tonight.”

“Oh.”

“He wanted to be sure I had no flight’s of fancy about stealing any….” Thomas shook his head. 

“What? Why would he…”

“Stole some once, well a lot — more than he knows.”

“You what?” Jimmy barked out.

“It was a long time ago. Before the war. You’d think I’d be given some credit of growing up.”

“Or learning not to get caught,” Jimmy grinned.

“That too. Either way it was a lecture not needed.”

Jimmy nodded and dropped his finished cigarette to the ground. He scuffed it out with his heel watching it go into the snow. When he looked back up, Thomas’ eyes were on his mouth. They quickly darted back up to meet Jimmy’s eyes and from he expression on Thomas’ face Jimmy knew it was all subconscious. 

_Do you know how often I catch you looking at my mouth?_

He casually spoken it last night, between laughs, like it was nothing. Like it didn’t bother him and he wondered when it stopped. At first he felt a bit awkward every time he caught Thomas doing it — but he realized quickly that half the time Thomas wasn’t even aware his eyes were lingering. Much like now. Though their were the times where Thomas was truly distracted by his mouth — and over time he’d stopped feeling awkward. That feeling have spun around and turned into flattered. 

His heart sounded loud in his ears.

“What happens after you kiss them?” Jimmy asked.

“What?” Thomas coughed, pulling his cigarette from his mouth. 

“You kiss a man, to see… what happens when they kiss you back. When it says they want you?”’

“Uh…” Thomas stammered.

Jimmy felt a rush of pride. Thomas was always so controlled, careful, prepared and calculating. To throw him off was a triumph. “I want to know.” 

“Oh.”

Jimmy held his breathe. He did want to know but he wasn’t sure why, but he wanted to know. Maybe he even needed to know. 

“It’s not much different I expect… from getting the go ahead from a woman.”

“Yeah but….” Jimmy waved his arms between them. “Men.”

Thomas laughed, the amusement hitting his eyes and his mouth curving up and deepening his dimples. Jimmy found himself laughing with him because he was obvious. Obviously not used to this conversation and the absurdity wasn’t lost on him. 

“I just mean, tell me the differences.” 

“I think you know them.”

Jimmy shot him a hard look. “The obvious is in my grasp.”

“Are you so sure?”

They were laughing again. Always laughing, Jimmy thought. 

“It might be… raunchier.”

“Really?” Jimmy raised an eyebrow.

“Well…” Thomas finished his cigarette. It fell to the ground, landing nearly on top of Jimmy’s discarded one. Thomas stomped it out and pulled out another. “It’s illegal.”

“This leads to raunchier?”

“If you’re going to do something unlawful, one tends to go all in…. Or, I do.”

“All or nothing.”

“All or nothing,” Thomas grinned. 

Jimmy felt warm. “And?”

Thomas blew out another large cloud of smoke, only this time it obscured everything but Thomas for Jimmy because he was inside Thomas’s personal bubble. He was right there in front of Thomas, their clothes touching, breathing the same smoky air. 

“Clothes are torn off, hands are wrapped around things and…”

“And?”

“Jimmy, I am not saying it,” Thomas looked down, bashful and vulnerable and Jimmy licked his lips. 

“Oh.”

“Oh,” Thomas echoed still looking at the snowy ground.

“You deserve it.”

Thomas eyes darted back up to Jimmy’s face. Then he was looking down at Jimmy, his gray eyes darker and he licked his lips. “I do?”

“Yes.”

“You telling me I need to get laid, again?” Thomas laughed. 

“Get laid, deserve a good lay…” Jimmy realized he was blushing. 

“Are you…”

Jimmy met Thomas’ eyes. 

“Are you offering?”

There it was again.

“Jimmy?” Thomas seemed to move closer but they were already nearly standing on the other. “Jimmy?”

 _Say no. He’s telling you to say it._ Jimmy swayed where he stood, wondering if he should take a step backward but he didn’t want too. His heart was pounding. 

Thomas’ hand was rising up. Jimmy watched it as it came closer and closer to his face. It was cold when it touched the skin of his of jaw, going behind his neck and he shivered. Jimmy looked into Thomas’ eyes and he knew that look. It was Thomas staring at his mouth, Thomas thinking about what he wanted to do with Jimmy’s mouth. Jimmy didn’t dare breathe. 

“Jimmy?” Thomas said his name again. A warning. A promise. 

The creak of the door opening made them hop apart. Jimmy dragged in a deep breathe, he felt like hadn’t been breathing for hours. He saw Thomas turned around completely when he looked up and frowned not happy to only see the back of him. Despite the confusing pounding in his brain. 

“Oi, Carson is looking for you both,” Alfred shouted before disappearing back inside. 

“Back to the grind,” Thomas said but he was staring right through Jimmy.

“Yeah…” Jimmy stared right back. 

Thomas stepped forward but then suddenly stepped back. “Broad daylight…” he laughed. 

Laughter barked out of Jimmy’s throat. “Stupid, huh?”

“Stupid?”

Jimmy swallowed because he didn’t know how to answer the real question. 

Thomas studied him. 

Alfred crashed through the door again. “You two hear me?”

“We heard you, Alfred,” Thomas snapped out and he turned to walk inside. 

~~~

Thomas tried to avoid Jimmy for the rest of the day. Only it was impossible. He wanted to not look at him when their paths crossed, but his eyes slid right to him. Seeing his broad chest and shoulders, remembering that underneath his livery is smooth golden skin. 

Then he’d look up and their eyes would lock. Thomas would stop breathing and Jimmy would stare at him. Jimmy either stared then suddenly turn away. Or he stared, licked his lips and then look way. 

Thomas tried not think about what he’d almost done. Tried not to think about it because it was insane. It was crazy and ill-advised. They’d been outside on a bright sunny day, standing in snow and smoking. It was daylight and if Alfred had barged in two seconds later…. 

Terror gripped Thomas. Flashes back to that night playing loud and visceral in his head. The door opening, Alfred’s repulsed reaction, Jimmy’s anger. It was his real nightmare. 

“Thomas?” 

He blinked and saw Anna staring at him. “Are you all right?”

He looked around. They were alone in the servant’s hall. He’d shut his eyes in order to stop looking at Jimmy. Stop looking and hoping. He shook his head before he thought better of it. 

“Anything I could help with?”

He quickly slammed down his usual mask. “I’m perfectly all right,” he said. 

“Suit yourself,” Anna said but it held no bite. 

“I better start the wine,” he said and walked away. 

As he turned into the hall he walked right into Jimmy. Their bodies collided and then both reached out to the other one. Jimmy’s hands landed on his shoulders gripping tightly. Thomas’s went right to Jimmy’s hips, he felt fabric crease under his fingers. He felt Jimmy’s hands, strong fingers digging into his shoulders. They could move him, push him around and he wanted that. It wanted it badly. He dug his fingers into Jimmy’s hips, wondering if Jimmy could really have a clue what he was thinking. They stared at each other, Jimmy’s eyes wide and blue, his hands gripped Thomas’s shoulder’s harder. 

“Thomas…” Jimmy started.

“You two okay, that was a head on run-in,” Anna asked. 

Thomas growled and wished the Abbey empty of everyone but the man standing in front of him. Jimmy looked over his shoulder at Anna and back to Thomas. “We’re fine… We’re fine.” 

Thomas heard him, the only problem was he didn’t know what it meant. He knew what he wanted it to mean? Despite the fear it caused that made his heart feel like it could break free of his ribs. He knew what he wanted it to mean, despite spending a year telling himself to never hope for that again — he’d nearly lost everything by acting on that hope. 

The hope that now pounded in his ears. Jimmy. Jimmy. Jimmy. 

But he couldn’t. He shouldn’t. Jimmy might simply be saying their friendship is fine, that Thomas’ slip, his hope it hasn’t stopped anything, or changed anything. Jimmy was saying no now and things could go on between them. The status quo, Thomas’ love unspoken and never acted upon. 

“Thomas.”

Jimmy’s voice stopped him from walking away. He turned and saw Anna was gone. Jimmy’s face looked oddly young and vulnerable in that moment and Thomas stepped closer without thought. 

“Come to my room.”

“Jimmy…” Thomas felt himself warn. 

“Do it.” Jimmy nodded at him and Thomas saw certainty in his eyes but he couldn’t breathe because he didn’t dare dream. “I mean it, my room.” Jimmy added.

His room. They never stepped foot in Jimmy’s room. Always Thomas’, the door wide open. Never Jimmy’s. It was part of the truce, part of the deal, it was a way of leaving it all in the past and never bringing it into the light. It worked. They never talked about it. About any of it. 

“Thomas. I mean it,” Jimmy repeated and it sounded like an order.

Thomas stopped avoiding Jimmy’s eyes then. He nodded. Because he’d follow any order Jimmy Kent gave him. He didn’t dare dream but he knew where he’d be later that night. 

~~~

Jimmy left Thomas in the hallway, shocked at his own certainty. His voice had sounded so even and while he spoke he had felt it too. Calm and assured. He knew what he was doing in that moment. He invited Thomas to his room, his bedroom, with purpose and with a reason. He felt hot and sweaty as he walked into the servants hall. His livery felt too tight around his through and he fiddled with his tie, wanting to loosen it and knowing he couldn’t. 

“What did you do?” he mumbled at himself. 

“Jimmy?”

He startled again and looked at Anna. She sat sewing. He’d forgotten all about her the moment she’d disappeared earlier. Did she disappear? Had she heard what he did? 

“I’m sorry, I seem to keep startling people today.”

“No, no.” He looked around himself. Why had he even come down here? He must have had a purpose? “I can’t seem…”

“Is everything okay with you and Thomas?”

“Fine. We’re fine. Everything is fine…” Jimmy cringed at how high his voice sounded. 

Anna gave him a strange look. “If you two had a fight…”

“What? No, no, no fight.” Jimmy laughed and felt himself grinning. “No. No fighting.”

Anna raised an eyebrow. “I see.”

He stared at her, still chuckling but now trying not to laugh at her. She couldn’t see, he barely saw it but he felt it. He was feeling it. “Just having a strange day, Anna.”

“Well, as long as things are good between you two. I think you’re good for him.”

“What?” Jimmy stared at her. 

“Well, he’s still quite… unfriendly and pointlessly mean. But it’s less around you. And he smiles, which is nice.”

“We’re just mean together,” Jimmy laughed. “Outside, while we smoke.”

“Well, aren’t you two the pair,’ Anna laughed with him. 

The pair. A pair. Hadn’t Thomas called them that once? Before. In that murky before they both ignored. Jimmy thought about it all now and he didn’t recognize himself. Or know himself. Who was that man? Because he’s gone now, Jimmy thought. When did he vanish? I’m still me? Jimmy shook his head. He remembered screaming at Thomas and shoving him out of his door. He felt an odd surge of anger at himself for it now, despite logically knowing he wasn’t wrong at the time. 

“We are.” 

“What?” Anna asked looking up from her sewing.

“A pair.” He grinned at her and then turned to leave. 

Thomas would come to his room tonight. Jimmy shivered when he thought about Thomas’ hand on his face and his breath on Jimmy’s lips as he spoke his name. Asking that question that Jimmy found he couldn’t answer. That was why, that was why he needed to invite Thomas to his room… 

It was the only place where Jimmy could find the answer. 

~~~

They were waiting. 

Jimmy felt calm. He wasn’t quite sure why he wasn’t in a hurry for the night to end. For Thomas to come to his door, because he was anxious for it, there was this anticipation that was humming under his skin. He was enjoying it, he thought as he laid out cards for him, Alfred and the hall boys. 

“Want to play, Mr. Barrow?” Alfred asked.

“No,” Thomas said and he lit his second cigarette of the night. 

Jimmy met his gaze and then flicked his eyes to Thomas’ cigarette box laying on the table. Thomas smirked, pulled one out and handed it over to Jimmy. Jimmy grabbed his own matches and lit it. “Have to get myself more,” he said. 

“You mean steal more,” Thomas laughed. 

“Why pay when you have so many?”

Thomas shook his head before he stuck his nose back into the paper. Jimmy watched him a bit longer. His eyes on Thomas’s hand, the cigarette between his fingers and how it held the paper. It’d been that hand on his face, touching his skin, slipping slowly more firmly behind his neck. 

He felt his face heat and he wondered if he’d feel that again? Was that why he’d invited him to his room? The idea felt strange but at the same time Jimmy thought it was should feel more strange. It should feel foreign, unwanted, wrong. 

No. Jimmy argued with the thought. No, not wrong. But he was confused, he knew that, so confused. By his thoughts, his feelings, and Thomas. But, he glanced over at Thomas again. He was sure of his best mate, he was sure of the man. He trusted Thomas with his life. How could not? He had proof Thomas would do anything for him. 

It was power and Jimmy wondered if he was worthy of it. 

“Jimmy, it’s your turn?” Alfred said.

Jimmy blinked, he forgot where he was and he looked away from Thomas again and toward the card game. They’d play a few rounds and then Alfred and the boys would head up stairs. Just like every other night. This was just like every other night. 

He glanced over at Thomas. 

~~~

Thomas watched Alfred and the hall boys clamor out of the servants hall and on their way upstairs. He stayed where he was, smoking his forth or fifth cigarette of the night. He was done with the newspaper, instead he was just smoking to smoke. He was waiting, he was waiting for Jimmy. 

Jimmy was at the piano but he wasn’t playing it. He turned on the bench so he was facing Thomas. Thomas felt his eyes on him, he’d felt Jimmy’s glances all night. Caught him a time or two, when his eyes would inevitably seek him out. 

“You have family, Mr. Barrow?” Jimmy asked. 

Thomas was happy to change his indirect glances for a true look at Jimmy. Thought he found the question odd. “Of course.”

Jimmy laughed. “I know… but. I told you about my Mum, Dad. All on my ownsome.”

“Jimmy Contra Mundi….” Thomas said remembering, his heart started to go faster, he remembered. 

“What about yours?”

“They’re alive,” Thomas admitted. “But I’m on my ownsome.”

“Must get lonely.” Jimmy was staring at him.

Thomas met his gaze. “You know about that?”

“I think I do… a bit anyway.”

Thomas nodded.

“Heading up,” Jimmy winked. 

Thomas found himself grinning. “Good night, Jimmy.”

~~~

Jimmy closed his door and started undressing. He went about his normal routine. Folded his clothes, slowly stripping down and splashing water on his face and brushing teeth. The only difference was his heart was in his throat and his palms felt sweaty. 

He knew what was about to happen but he wasn’t entirely sure what it was… he felt like he was on a tightrope. If he overthought it all he was going to fall and he didn’t want to fall. 

Or if he did he wanted Thomas to catch him. “What a thought,” he said to himself looking in the mirror. His eyes dipped down to his mouth. It was a nice mouth. A handsome mouth. He wondered though what Thomas saw, what Thomas thought, what Thomas wished for when he looked at Jimmy’s mouth. 

He walked over to his bed, sat down and pulled off his shoes and then his pants. Then he turned and looked at his bed. He was ready for it. To sleep. But he had no desire to sleep tonight, he was wide awake but now he had to wait. Patience was not his virtue. He looked at his door and wondered how long it would be before Thomas showed up?

This was new but he found the anticipatory hum under his skin welcome and he sat down on his bed, put his hands on his thighs and started to beat out a rhythm with his fingers. 

~~~

Thomas went to his room to undress. He was scared. This could all be in his head again, couldn’t it? He was a hopeful fool, he knew it. Being so had caused more than one thing to crash around him in his lifetime. What if this was another crash, another misstep and Jimmy was horrified Thomas would dare go to his room?

_“Thomas. I mean it.”_

Thomas let it echo in his head, the memory of Jimmy’s voice in that hall and the resolution in his eyes. The set of his perfect jaw and there had been a slightest quirk of his lip like he’d wanted to smile but thought the moment too serious. 

Which it was, Thomas thought and he looked at his door. He got up from where he’d sat down after stripping down to his vest and pants. He stood up slowly and walked to it. He watched his own hand turn the doorknob, in the moment and feeling the weight of the action. He was putting it all into motion. He stepped into the hallway. 

It was dark and full of shadow. Deja vu, he thought idly as he slowly walked down the hall and paused outside Jimmy’s door. He stood there, his hand on the knob, he stood there realized how hard he was breathing. He strengthened his grip on the doorknob and took in a slow breath. He hadn’t knocked before and he wasn’t going to this time. 

He turned it and pushed the door open. He stepped inside and closed it behind him. Staying flush against the door, the room was dark, except for moonlight, so much like that other night, however when he looked down at the bed. He looked straight into Jimmy’s eyes. He sat there, looking up at him, eyes wide and hands on his thighs. 

_He looked bloody beautiful._

Thomas stepped toward him, slowly, he was afraid of startling him. Jimmy looked startled as it was, perhaps wondering what he was doing this. Wondering why he invited Thomas in here and Thomas was wondering too but there was only one way to ask. So, he stepped closer and closer, until he nudge Jimmy’s foot. Jimmy moved his legs apart and Thomas stepped into the vee of them and looked down at him. 

Jimmy craned his neck back for a moment, staring up before he leaned back further, using his arms to brace himself. He looked straight at Thomas, his dark blue eyes darker and his mouth parted open. 

Thomas closed his eyes at it, the sight of Jimmy like that was too gorgeous, there was a limit a man could take, Thomas thought. He reached down and grabbed Jimmy’s right hand in his and he sighed when Jimmy threaded their fingers together. He tugged and nearly lost his balance at how swiftly Jimmy rose up to his feet. They stood, sharing body heat, and Thomas gripped Jimmy’s hand hard in his own. 

Jimmy nodded in answer and Thomas let his hand go and rose it up. He let his palm graze Jimmy’s jaw and slid it behind him onto the base of his neck. “Jimmy?” he whispered it not wanting to break the spell but he sounded loud to ears and oddly confident. He was far from it and he searched out Jimmy’s eyes, tearing his eyes away from his mouth. 

Jimmy’s hand rose up going to the back of Thomas’s neck and pushed slightly, fingers flexing over his skin. Thomas shivered and leaned forward and pressed his mouth against Jimmy’s. Tentative and terrified. Never before and probably never again had a kiss meant more to Thomas. 

Jimmy’s lips were warm and soft, pliant underneath Thomas’. Jimmy moved forward, his hand went into Thomas’s hair and Thomas stopped breathing when he felt the press of lips against his own. He moved his own hand into Jimmy’s hair and pulled him toward him, pressing more firmly against his mouth, letting the tip of his tongue lick against Jimmy’s lower lip. 

Jimmy made a sound and his mouth opened and Thomas lost all thought. He pressed his tongue forward and deepened the kiss. Jimmy’s chest pressed against Thomas’ and he felt his hair being pulled well an arm snaked around his waist and pulled him closer. 

Thomas kissed Jimmy, his body wanted to climb inside of him. It was better than any fantasy or idle wish. He tasted like cigarettes, tooth powder, snow and laughter. He kissed until he felt a burn in his lungs and he broke apart to breath and found himself staring into Jimmy’s eyes. 

Jimmy was wide-eyed, his hair was a mess, lips swollen and wet. And even though it was only moonlight Thomas could see the blush on his cheeks. “You’re bloody gorgeous.” 

He laughed and shook his head. “You too… I think, no, I know,” he bent his head and put it on Thomas’ shoulder like he had the night before. Thomas ran his hands down his back. Jimmy lifted his head back up and smiled up at him. “So, um…. I’m offering.” 


	2. Part Two

Jimmy was wide-eyed, his hair was a mess, lips swollen and wet. And even though it was only moonlight Thomas could see the blush on his cheeks. “You’re bloody gorgeous.”

“You too… I think, no, I know,” he bent his head and put it on Thomas’ shoulder like he had the night before. Thomas ran his hands down his back. Jimmy lifted his head back up and smiled up at him. “So, um…. I’m offering.”

“Are you bloody sure?” Thomas tried to say it lightly as he could but his voice broke, he was on the edge of being overwhelmed with emotions he didn’t want to name or think about — not in this moment. Not when he had his hands on Jimmy, not when he was running them up down his back and feeling the muscle underneath. Not when Jimmy was staring at him with blue eyes darkened by lust. 

A nervous laugh fell out of Jimmy’s throat and he put his head down on Thomas’s shoulder again. Thomas felt the breath on his palms and pushed Jimmy more into him. “I’m sure…that was the best bloody kiss of my life.”

Thomas felt a swell of pride and found one of his hands on Jimmy’s cheek. “That was nothing,” he promised and dipped his head down and touched his mouth to Jimmy’s again. Slowly, focusing on the first sensation of pressure of his lips against his lips. 

Jimmy yanked at his vest, pulling him closer and Thomas wanted that, to be so much closer. He licked at Jimmy’s lower lip and his mouth parted open for him and pushed his tongue inside. They both moaned and Thomas became instantly impatient with slow. 

He deepened the kiss, he started pushing Jimmy backward, back to the bed, as Jimmy kept grabbing at him, anywhere and everywhere, holding him close. When his legs hit the bed he startled, breaking the kiss and Thomas laughed, followed Jimmy’s own. “Want me on the bed, Mr. Barrow?” 

That went straight to Thomas’ cock and he shoved Jimmy backwards. 

“Yes, then.” Jimmy moved onto his bed, head on his pillow, kicking off his blankets to the floor. Thomas stared at him, eyes traveling down his body, stopping when he saw Jimmy’s erection tenting his pajama bottoms. He licked his lips and moved down, sitting on the edge of the bed and leaning over Jimmy. 

Maybe he would have felt a sense of déjà vu but Jimmy’s eyes were wide open and he reached out and grabbed Thomas’ by the collar of his vest and pulled him into him, Jimmy’s mouth hitting his first, open and wet. His kiss was hungry, and Thomas knew he was starving. He put it all into the kiss, a years plus worth of need and emotion, all in he press of his mouth and the dart of his tongue. 

Jimmy moved up, wrapping arms around him, yanking Thomas toward him on the bed. Thomas flicked his tongue against the roof of his mouth and groaned when Jimmy followed suit. The hand in his hair, pulled on it and Jimmy broke the kiss and Thomas heard himself whimper and flushed. 

“Get closer…” Jimmy said his voice ragged. 

Thomas leaned his head onto Jimmy’s shoulder and found skin. His lips latched on and he kissed Jimmy’s throat, licking the skin as Jimmy moved with the motion. Jimmy hands dragged up his back and into his hair. “Thomas…”

“Yes,” Thomas said into his skin. 

“Closer…”

Thomas lifted his head up and looked at him. Wide eyes, flushed cheeks and parted mouth. The curl of his blonde hair in his eyes. His hand went into the hair pushing it away and he bit his lip. “Bloody gorgeous.”

Smugness settled in Jimmy’s expression, but he darted his eyes away for a second before he looked back at Thomas. “Would you punch me if I called you beautiful?”

Thomas laughed and shook his head. He thought men beautiful. 

“Good,” Jimmy reached up and touched Thomas’ face. 

His palm felt hot and solid and real against his skin. Thomas closed his eyes and moved into the touch. He felt Jimmy’s thumb drag against his lips. “Fuck…” Jimmy breathed. 

Thomas opened his eyes and got lost in Jimmy’s, which never looked quite so blue before. Dark depths that Thomas wanted to get lost in. Jimmy dragged his thumb over Thomas’s lips again and Thomas opened them and pulled it into his mouth. 

Jimmy gasped, his body bucking up the bed, his other arm locked around Thomas’s waist trying to pull him down on top of him. Thomas wrapped his mouth more fully around Jimmy’s thumb and swirled his thumb around it. He tasted snow again and cigarettes. He sucked. 

“Holy…” Jimmy bit down on his lip. “Thomas…” he laughed. “That’s bloody arousing, fuck.”

Thomas chuckled around the thumb before moving his mouth off of it, slowly as he was able. “If that impresses you…” 

Jimmy’s eyes immediately darted down the length of his own body, Thomas followed the same path, twisting where he sat and he licked his lips seeing the tent Jimmy’s cock was causing. 

“Mr. Barrow?” Jimmy said in a strained voice. “Touch me.”

It went straight to his own cock, the Mr. Barrow — especially in that tone and even more followed by an order. His eyes flew back the length of Jimmy’s body and met his eyes. 

Jimmy nodded.

Thomas closed his eyes and tried to recall to breathe. His heart felt suddenly loud and uneven in his ears. He was warm and flushed. He was turned on more than he had been ages — it’d been so long, he told himself but that wasn’t it at all. 

“Hey,” Jimmy’s voice was soft in his ear and strong arms wrapped around him in a hug and Thomas felt himself lurched into and he gripped at Jimmy’s shoulders. “What is it?”

Thomas inhaled Jimmy, cigarettes, snow, laughter — that night, last night was wrapped around them. Jimmy smelled like himself too, something airy and fresh and Thomas found it intoxicating. He hugged Jimmy too him, tighter, arousal growing. “This,” he whispered.

“Too much?”

“I think…” Thomas started laughing. “I’m supposed to ask you that.”

Jimmy laughed and they stayed that way, hugging, laughing and pulling apart enough, only to lunge toward each other and begin to kiss again. Hands, tongues and moans. Jimmy getting shoved back down onto the bed and Thomas moving over him, straddling him… trapping their erections between them. Jimmy bucked up and thrust his tongue more forcibly into Thomas’ mouth and started tugging at Thomas vest. 

Thomas moved back to take it off, Jimmy leaning up following the action with his again, drinking it all and Thomas was doing the same. Noting every shift of expression on his beautiful face. He pulled the fabric over his head and tossed it away and moved back down over Jimmy, meaning to capture his mouth again with his. But hands stopped him, pushing against his chest. He froze, afraid Jimmy was going to throw him off of him but that fear was thrown aside as Jimmy ran a thumb over his nipple, and fingers dragged through his chest hair. “All pale and dark…” Jimmy murmured and Thomas wondered if he was meant to hear. 

Thomas dipped his head down and nipped at Jimmy’s jawline, his hands found the fabric of his vest and clutch at it. “Rise up… want to see it.”

Jimmy lifted up and smirked at him. “What?”

“Gold…” he managed to yank the shirt over his head and dipped his eyes down to Jimmy’s chest. Muscles and smooth skin and he was perfect. His mouth was on Jimmy’s collar bone, kissing his way down his body. Jimmy grabbed at his head, at his hair and made beautiful sounds. Thomas slowed down again, he wanted to enjoy this… the taste of skin, Jimmy underneath him — willing. So willing. 

Jimmy’s hand was strong and solid against his scalp, pulling on his hair — just right — and pushing Thomas into his skin. Thomas loved the strength of it, the solidness of that hand and the muscles under his tongue. He mouthed his way down toward Jimmy’s stomach. 

“Oh..oh…”

Thomas never loved Jimmy’s voice more. 

Jimmy started to giggle and squirm. Thomas put his hand on his chest and pushed him down into the bed and looked up. “Ticklish?”

“A bit…I guess..”

Thomas bent down, his mouth going back to work, smirking into Jimmy’s skin.

“Ahhaha,” Jimmy yanked hard on his hair. “Ahh..”

“Want me to stop?” Thomas asked. 

“What do you bloody think,” Jimmy asked, shaking his head no. That tiny no, that tiny no Thomas been expecting twenty-four hours ago… 

But here it was now and it meant don’t stop. Thomas bent back with renewed purpose and put his tongue flat underneath Jimmy’s belly button and licked down. Jimmy arched up into it and gripped at his hair. Thomas used his eyes to look up and saw he’d put his other hand in his mouth. Grinning Thomas did it again and again. Before hooking his fingers into the fabric of Jimmy’s pants. He looked up at Jimmy again seeking certainty, if this was okay.

Jimmy nodded. 

Thomas pulled, Jimmy lifted his hips. The pants were gone, everything that been cover Jimmy was gone and Thomas leaned back on his heels and just stared at him and realized he was far more beautiful than Thomas’s meager fantasies. Fine hairs on his legs, flat stomach, birthmarks and a scar on his left hip and a beautiful, beautiful perfect cock. It was just the right shape and size, Thomas wrapped his hand around him and closed his eyes because it felt overwhelmingly right. 

Jimmy’s hips bucked up into his grasp. Thomas opened his eyes to the sight of him leaning up on his elbows staring at his cock wrapped up in Thomas’s hold. “Do it.”

Thomas rubbed his thumb over the head of Jimmy’s cock, slowly, again and again, reveling in the weight of him in Thomas’s hand. The feel of his cockhead, smooth and strong — like the rest of Jimmy. Like Jimmy himself. Thomas moved closer, wanting to see it closer, he breathed on it purposely and Jimmy shivered and let out a low moan. 

“Shhh…” Thomas whispered but he blew that against the skin of Jimmy’s cock as well. He tightened his grip and started moving it up and down the length of him. 

“Bastard,” Jimmy accused but he was smiling and almost laughing. 

“I am,” Thomas agreed but it was low and maybe Jimmy didn’t hear him. He was distracted, he was lost in every single sensation of having Jimmy’s cock in his hand. Jimmy’s breathing and the buck of his hips. The sound of his own hand as it pulled down and again, the feeling of his thumb getting wet as he moved it over and over again on the head Jimmy’s cock. His own breath deeper and more ragged. His lips feeling chapped. He licked them and stared down Jimmy’s cock. 

“Jimmy?” his voice broke again and his heart might fly free of his chest. He looked up and was taken aback. Jimmy’s lips were wet, his tongue snaking back into his mouth, his eyes wide, pupils dark and chest heaving. 

“I’m offering, aren’t I?” Jimmy his voice both deep and broken. 

Thomas licked his lips and looked at his hand, working up and down, Jimmy’s cock and he bent down and breathed onto the head of it again. Jimmy bucked his hips and made a muffled sound. Thomas looked up to see his hand his mouth. “Smart…” he murmured right as he closed his mouth around Jimmy. He hummed at the taste of him and the feel of his cock against his tongue. Thomas swallowed done until he met his own fist, then rose them both up down. His left hand, pressed down on Jimmy’s hip, fighting against the bucking that Jimmy couldn’t seem to control — or didn’t want too. All Thomas knew was he liked the feeling of holding Jimmy down. That he had to press hard and firmly to keep the strong man under him at bay. 

His right hand moved to Jimmy’s other hip, pressing hard in anticipation as he slid his mouth all the way down, taking Jimmy back into his throat, humming around Jimmy’s cock, reveling that it fits inside him like this just right — he knew it, he always knew it. 

“Thomas…” Jimmy moaned his name. “Thomas, Thomas…”

He hummed Jimmy’s name around his cock, he allowed Jimmy’s hips to buck up and into him, taking it. Thomas ran his tongue on the underside of his cock and Jimmy’s hands were in his hair. Yanking it and pushing his head… “Look at you,” Jimmy said. “Look at you… fuck, it’s divine.”

Thomas chuckled around him and Jimmy moaned. 

“They’re wrong, it is…” Jimmy said through ragged breaths. “Thomas…I’m gonna, I’m gonna…”

Thomas looked up from where he was, his mouth wrapped around Jimmy with his cock down his throat. Jimmy looked so undone and Thomas knew he’d never forget it at all. His hair was in his eyes again and his cheeks and chest were flushed pink. Jimmy’s caught Thomas’ gaze and he came. Thomas swallowed him down, tasting even more of him and finding Jimmy perfect again. 

He pulled off him and licked his lips. Emotion was threatening to overwhelm him again. He was shaking when he looked back at Jimmy. Jimmy looked blissed out and met Thomas’ eyes with large grin. “Come here.”

Thomas moved back over Jimmy, his erection bumping into Jimmy’s hip and his stomach. Jimmy moved toward it and into Thomas. Curling them so they were squashed side by side on the bed. The minute Thomas’s nose brushed against Jimmy’s, Jimmy was kissing him, tongue diving in, he moaned and Thomas knew he was tasting himself. His own cock twitched at the thought, then again, when Jimmy deepened their kiss. 

Jimmy pushed at him as they kissed, shoved and moved Thomas until Thomas was underneath him and Jimmy was kissing his way down the column of his neck. Thomas grabbed at his face, pulling him back toward his mouth, pushing hands into his hair and tongue into Jimmy’s mouth. Jimmy allowed Thomas to slow them down as he moved more fully over Thomas. Thomas felt a hand on his stomach and he gasped, bucking up. His clothed erection bumping into Jimmy’s belly. 

Jimmy moaned and laughed. “Tickles.”

Thomas did it again, enjoying the slight friction against his cock. He needed more but somehow he couldn’t ask. “Does it?”

“Yes,” Jimmy bent down and kissed his jaw and started kissing his throat again. Moving his hand back down toward his stomach, dragging fingers purposely through his chest hair. 

“Jimmy…” Thomas couldn’t say anything else. “Jimmy.”

“Mr. Barrow, you are far too dressed…” Jimmy said and pulled on his pants. 

Thomas lifted his hips and felt all breath lodge in his lungs. Jimmy tossed them aside and looked down at Thomas. His erection up against his belly, he could feel its wetness against his skin. Jimmy’s eyes on it made it twitch, Thomas forced his eyes to stay open, though emotion wanted him to close them. Jimmy was staring at him then he started moving. Slowly, looming closer and closer, moving to the side of the bed, sitting down and putting one hand on Thomas chest and the other on his stomach. Eyes never leaving Thomas’s erection. 

Thomas tried to form words, trying to tell Jimmy he needn’t do anything but they wouldn’t form and Jimmy’s hand wrapped around him and he gasped for breath and groaned at the pleasure that shot up his gut. His eyes focused on Jimmy’s hand, his fingers, those fingers he’d watched play he piano with fantasies of being in this position playing on a loop in his head. Jimmy wrapped those fingers around his length and started to stroke him. 

“Oh,” Thomas sighed, relief was settling through him, almost stronger than his arousal. This was happening, it was real, it wasn’t a dream. Jimmy turned from watching himself stroke Thomas to look at him and Thomas stared at him. Thinking him perfect and knowing maybe he was daft but he loved him. God he loved him. 

“Do you see?” Jimmy asked. 

“See?” Thomas asked his hips bucking as Jimmy twisted his wrist. 

“Divine,” Jimmy whispered. 

Thomas eyes fell to the hand wrapped around him again, Jimmy’s thumb circling the head of his cock, stroking him with ease and strength. He twisted his wrist again and Thomas moaned. Thomas never thought much about what divinity might look like, but this was beautiful and perfect and maybe Jimmy was right. 

Jimmy kept stroking him but he leaned over Thomas and pressed his mouth against his. Thomas wrapped his hands around Jimmy’s neck and kissed him back, hips bucking up, thrusting into Jimmy’s grip. He keened into Jimmy’s mouth, lacking any kind of finesse as everything seemed to rush to groin. He grabbed at Jimmy’s shoulders. 

“Jimmy, Jimmy,” Jimmy was kissing his throat, though it was messy and unguided. His focus was where Thomas’ was, on that hand, a perfect weight against his cock, hot and wrapped around it, stroking him into mindlessness. 

“Come, Mr. Barrow,” Jimmy whispered, his breath harsh, in Thomas’ ear. 

 

It was all it took, Thomas was holding onto it all by a thread, knowing he couldn’t last longer but not wanting it end. He never wanted it to end, any of it, he came his face against Jimmy’s shoulder and Jimmy’s mouth on his throat. The stayed that way, breathing together. Both of them catching their breaths and Thomas’ wondering if Jimmy’s heart sounded nearly as wild as his own. He shifted in the bed, Jimmy shifted with him, until they were curled face to face. Thomas touched Jimmy’s face and grabbed the hand that been wrapped around him. Jimmy pulled at Thomas’s shoulders, hands digging into them.

“I need a cigarette,” Thomas heard himself say. 

Jimmy started laughing. 

Thomas thought he might have started grinning but he already was when it came down to it. 

“I’m not moving, Thomas. Get them yourself.”

“I’m not moving, either…” Thomas pulled Jimmy’s up and Jimmy watched him bring it to his mouth. He kissed his fingers and started into his Jimmy’s eyes. “Jimmy?” his voice broke. 

“Thomas…” Jimmy’s own voice broke and looked away from a minute. When he looked back, his eyes fell to Thomas’s mouth on his hand where Thomas was still kissing his knuckles, where Thomas was tasting himself on Jimmy’s skin. Jimmy’s mouth parted open and he closed his eyes. 

“Is this too much?”

Jimmy shook his head and opened his eyes. “Maybe….” He smiled. “It’s more than I’m used too. You’re more.”

“Am I?” Thomas smiled but his voice was still shaky. 

“You don’t understand,” Jimmy leaned forward and kissed him quickly. “I didn’t understand.”

“What?”

“When I started thinking about your sex life… it wasn’t ‘cause we’re mates, it wasn’t because I wanted you to share stories because I shared stories.”

“What was it then?”

“I wanted you to be loved. You weren’t being loved.”

Thomas swallowed and Jimmy grabbed his face, forcing Thomas to keep eye contact with him. “You don’t care about that if you don’t love someone.”

“Jimmy…”

“I didn’t know. I didn’t know until you asked me if I was offering. I didn’t know then either but I knew I couldn’t tell you no. I couldn’t tell you no, so had to see where the yes went… and now I know.”

“Know?”

“I love you.”

“What?” Thomas nearly toppled them off the bed, his shock making him rise upward. 

Jimmy steadied him, pushed him back down on the bed and moved over him. His face looming above his. “It’s not so shocking, you know.”

“Isn’t it?” Thomas whispered.

“Thomas,” he sounded angry. “I don’t need someone nice. I don’t want someone nice. I don’t want someone stupid either, they’d bore me death. I don’ need stupid, and that’s all I’ve met of late. There is no one smarter than you…. And you’re bloody beautiful.”

“Okay,” Thomas breathed out. 

“Okay?”

“If you’re offering, I can gave you what you wish… always.”

“Oh, I’m offering. Always.”

Thomas leaned up and kissed him. It was soft, sweet and chaste. Then they both set up and Jimmy got the wash clothe and Thomas pulled cigarettes out of his pajama bottoms. Jimmy laughed when he saw them and the flash of the lighter glinting in the light of the candle Jimmy just lit. 

“You want?” Thomas asked grinning at him. 

“Yeah.”

They cleaned up, pulled on their pants but nothing else and laid down on the small bed, Jimmy rolled into Thomas. Thomas looked up and out the window, the sky was lightening, it was later than he realized. Snow was falling again and he laughed.

Jimmy, cigarettes, laughter and snow.


End file.
